Do I Need To Succeed To Be Happy?Whenever people ask me the difference between Life Coaching and Counselling/Psychotherapy, I say: “Well I have not myself tried the other stuff, but from what people have told me, I guess that it is more focused on the issue, whereas Coaching is regarding good possibilities.”
This suggests that coaches, hardcore self-developers and similar people usually go around with a very positive mindset, apparently inhabiting a life where the sun shines at all times, and where for every one of life's difficulties - oops sorry! - “challenges”, there is a reassuring belief/rationalisation/slogan that makes it all sound like one thing that they wanted all along. Lost your job? “At the moment I'm free to follow my true purpose!” Boyfriend left you? “It was not 'meant' to be!” Best friend just died? “Everything happens for a reason!”
Now do not get me wrong, I believe that most of these people really do live through really happy lives. I am aware that I often do :) Then again ... I do not believe in the conveyor belt, in “one size fits all”, when it relates to how we respond to what’s taking place in our lives.
So maybe there are times when the relentlessly positive is simply not what we might want to hear. For those times, we want an alternative - one that acknowledges that we sometimes can’t avoid or spin our situations. As there is success in our lives, and there is also unsuccess, in several other forms: big and small, material and psychological, internal and external.
Obviously saying this is simply a reminder of what we actually already know. But it is even an invitation to behave as if we did actually know it, and to choose, to the best of our ability, to be completely unbothered by the fact that the world is constructed the way that it is (since let’s face it, it is, is it not?)
The traditional life-coachy cliché, “There is no failure, only feedback” could be an extremely empowering slant. But so could “It is natural and really OK that we do not always get, or get to keep, what we prefer to put on our wish list”. Since once we keep in mind that the universe wasn’t designed to be an infinite pleasure machine for our each and every need and wish, life turns out to be not harder, but considerably simpler!
It disappoints me that in the self-development industry the role models held up are those who have achieved success to a great extent (which invariably translates as raking in improbable numbers of dollars or by achieving global celebrity status by “selling” their ideas). Definitely a happy and worthwhile life does not have to be like this?!
It might simply be me, but personally I'm a lot more impressed by people who have learnt to accept and live awesomely well with the unsuccesses they experience on their path.
Yes, What’s Around You Makes A Difference!Sometimes I feel humans are really strange. For example, of all the species on this earth, we are the one that has by far the greatest choice over our environment. Even the most “primitive” tribesman makes enormous changes to his environment, aiming to improve his quality of life, and as for those of us who live in the developed world .... With a great deal of power, I find it truly, and I do mean truly, strange that we so often feel we have no alternatives in our lives! Even bizarre, with a lot of alternatives, we usually consciously, willingly, happily vote with our words, feelings and deeds for an environment that poisons our lives. Environment may include lots of things: people, office, house environment (feng shui, anyone?), music, the thoughts you expose yourself to ... The options vary from staying in the Garden of Eden or nearby to a leaking nuclear plant on a day when the wind is blowing in your direction. I used to have a friend who had a nice house in a pleasant lane, and then chose that the best way to earn a bit of (non-essential) surplus money was to get a housemate. Her choice? A chain-smoking hardcore techno fan from a ethnicity with a lot higher ambient noise levels than we are used to, who conquered the whole kitchen for several hours at a time and worked night shifts, getting back noisily at 4 a.m. for one more malodorous cooking session. Only a human being would subject themselves to this - other species will walk/swim/fly away as early as possible! So is this kind of thing occurring in your life? If so, how much more months - or years - are you seeking to tolerate it? As it occurs, I am writing this in my “office” (Degani Café in Rathdowne Street in Melbourne - come and say “hi!” if you’re in the neighborhood!) The sun is shining, the sky is blue, there are loads more trees than in any other lane in the area, and the people who work here are genial and friendly, yet just the right amount of unobtrusive. The food is pretty OK, but that’s not why I’m here. It’s only for the reason that it’s a comfortable space. I can work efficiently and feel good while I’m doing it. It happens to be exactly 10 minutes walk from home, so I will be able to have a relaxed walk to let my mind switch from “home mode” to “work mode”. There are in fact a few good cafes 30 metres from home, but … no stroll, no trees. There are several other cafes in the neighborhood where I am positive the coffee is just as good, the people just as welcoming. But a good bit of experimentation and a determination to explore the environment that gives me delight has led me to this place. Are you ready to shift out of your discomfort zone? Live the difference Life Coaching is based in Melbourne which offers transformational one-on-one coaching both face-to-face and on the phone. People come from all walks of life and live in and around Melbourne, interstate and overseas. Visit http://livethedifference.com.au for more information on Life Coach.
Different Paths To HappinessThere is something which I have to admit: I am a bit of a rebel. Yes I know as a life coach I am “supposed to” have some behaviours, perceptions and frames of mind (especially in public!), and guess what, as a Buddhist I am meant to have a unique (though overlapping) set. But if you want an article along the lines of “It's all about going with the flow increasing your possibilities accepting the wish of the universe struggling for outcomes peace and love could be amazingly rich happiness comes from inside you could have it all now!”, then bad luck … That just is not what my life's like!
Fortunately, as soon as we hack through the jungle of B-grade clichés we find that modern self-development and true spiritual paths both offer instruments and principles that will be able to radically change our time on this planet. There is so much really beneficial stuff, as a matter of fact, that it can be hard to pick from the alternatives, so my mission in this article is to check out what spirituality could represent, and why you may choose to explore it a bit further.
To begin with, here is a quick questionnaire:
Initially, do you believe happiness comes from inside?
And, just out of curiosity, do you behave as if you do, i.e. do you target more attention on what is inside, or on other stuff?
Most of you will have answered yes to the first question, and presuming that you are quite honest with yourself I'm guessing that an even bigger majority will have said no to the second. Oops! Isn’t it remarkable the way we view the map, that says “Turn right”, and still we drive left rather?
Contemporary self-developers often say “you can have more riches, a satisfying career, amazing relationships (etc. etc.) and spirituality (+/- “whatever that means to you”)”. Spirituality turns out to be an item on the objects-that-make-you-happy menu, one more shiny “thing” to “gain”. But how about if spirituality can signify something else? After all, the Buddha didn't say “you will be able to have gold, power, dancing girls, more cattle and enlightenment”; he said “here is a path that will take away your unhappiness and provide you enormous happiness, and it is totally about changing what's going on in your head”.
Spiritual ways emphasise (if I may paraphrase the “Go to Jail” card in the popular board game Monopoly) that you will be able to “Go straight to Happiness; do not pass Go; totally no need to collect $200”, and that this is not only possible but even the complete best choice you could ever make in your life.
Tempted?
I guess that one reason I draw in clients who are serious about their happiness is because I too believe that time spent on the “external” stuff is normally unnecessarily slow.
How To Get More MoneySome of you will be a little astounded to see me backing-up an attraction in money - Buddhists do not do money, right?
But some of you would truly like a lot more money, and are thinking why you still haven't got as a large amount as you would like. This one's for you, as you are worthy of the best too!
It is often said that success is 20% talent and 80% the frame of mind, and still if you consider how people deal with the goal of getting more money, you'll discover that the majority of them will dedicate a lot of energy and dollars to learning a skill set, but do nearly nothing to get the state of mind of a winner.
To put it bluntly, if you assume $5000 on a stock trading course and some (normally free) motivational talks on the frame of mind is the right balance, think again. Or be equipped to join the 80% of people - most of them very well trained in the skill set - who lose money on shares.
The same implies when it involves many other ways to increase your wealth: business, profession, multi-level marketing (where the success rate is 3%, actually), poker even!
And, for best or worse, to majority of the other areas of your life.
So how will be able to you acquire that state of mind? Well, primary step is to know the blend of conflicting beliefs, emotional states, and behaviours that makes up who you are. For most people, there are several internal blocks to getting money, and these are often completely unconscious. You might have been trained the perfect “system” to make money, but the person operating that system isn't a robot, it's a person - you! - with human idiosyncrasies, contradictions and blind spots, usually more than adequate to sabotage the best “systems” available.
A motivational speaker whose message is “You can have it all. You truly can. Take a look at me. I have it all. All you require is to believe that!” is having next to no impact on your unconscious programming. He is simply scraping the surface, and in fact that's his job - to scrape the surface hard enough to awaken you to the reality that you have many more choices than you realised, so that you are ready to take the next step.
So are you interested in taking the next steps in the direction of a life with more money in it? Yes? So you’ll be requiring to choose a skillset that will get you there, regardless of whether it is qualifications for a better job, training in how to set up and operate a rewarding business, learning about a share-trading “system”, or whatever you need for your preferred path.
But much more significantly, ask yourself the (possibly painful) question: do you have the frame of mind of a winner? Because wanting something isn’t enough. Learning about the competencies is not sufficient. For many of you, it will also be essential to take on new beliefs, habits and attitudes.
The good news? These are also things that you will be able to learn!
Live the difference Life Coaching is based in Melbourne which offers transformational one-on-one coaching both face-to-face and on the phone. People come from all walks of life and live in and around Melbourne, interstate and overseas. Visit http://livethedifference.com.au for more information on Life Coach
It's Better To Die As A Brave Man Than To Live Of Fear As A CowardFolks seldom believe me when I say I used to have heaps of Anger, but it is a fact - so real that it completely obscured some of the other exciting things going on in my head …
As Anger spent less and less time living with me it turned out to be clear that I had one more unwelcome flatmate, far less evident but equally draining of my resources: Fear. Now, when I was angry people observed, but because I have always had a more positive can-do attitude than the general average, my Fear is not something that I got(/get?) responses on. A pity - it might have been convenient to know.
So what is Fear? How does it surface? It's certainly a question that has attracted a lot of attention in the world of self-development, and quite rightly so.
Now some of you may be telling, oh yes, but what about the awesome well-known quote “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway”? As I have written elsewhere, I see this (pretty ...) empowering statement as second best. And second best is what you obtain if you don't target the best.
Best is to realise that you will be able to let go of Fear, and that suggests to know what it is, and how it functions.
Fear is the perception that something “dreadful” will, or (more usually) might, take place. And that this is a problem.
At times this kind of fear is regarding something quite possible - if your boss likes shouting at people and you've just stuffed up, what you fear is a distinct likelihood! Other fears definitely concern stuff in the “better not go out today - a satellite may land on my head” type.
My advice is not to chip hopefully away at Fear of Satellite-Induced Head Injury Syndrome, but to jump in at the deep end. Yes it's possibly going to happen, yes it'll be a great deal of unFun, but yes, I have all the resources I need to come through in one piece, maybe strong and delightful for it!
I often go to India. Some people fear India, presuming that it's a filthy dirty place flooded with poor people and beggars, a place where you will wait for several hours (or days) for late trains, be provided incorrect directions, fall prey to several illnesses, slide on cow shit, and not be in a position to get a decent latte.
And when people question me what India is like, I usually tell them exactly that (it is true, in fact ...) but with a very big smile that says “and that's not anything to be bothered about, but could be loads of fun to embrace”. And then I normally say “You must go - it is splendid!” Which it really really is. Not only because of the bits I did not talk about (architecture food scenery traditions people …) but because I know I have the resources required to deal with the less fun things, and because I consider one of the greatest favours I could do somebody is to encourage them to explore that they do too.
Do it anyway, definitely.
But scrap the Fear.
Live the difference Life Coaching is based in Melbourne which offers transformational one-on-one coaching both face-to-face and on the phone. People come from all walks of life and live in and around Melbourne, interstate and overseas. Visit http://livethedifference.com.au for more information on Life Coach
Selecting Your Next JobI have a questionnaire I give to the majority of my new clients. Even though I know they're coming to me to reduce weight or be a good parent or learn to be nice to themselves for a change, 25% of the questions are concerning their work. Why is this?
For so many people work is a vital part of the background of their lives, something that just needs to be factored in. For relatively a few it's a great part of their identity, even.
So I prefer to raise the issue in the questionnaire so that they, and I, could appraise the place of work in their lives; it's rather like checking whether a client is single or living with husband, 3 kids and an Alsatian - it does make a difference.
One of the questions is: if you did not have your existing job, what would you be doing? Few of the answers are extremely amazing; others (“I don't know”) make a few raised eyebrows.
You know what's approaching next. Yes, go on, ask yourself that question now! Send me the answer if you like :)
In my previous career I trained teachers of English (as a foreign language). A few of my trainees were just starting out at the job market or were already teaching, and came to me to improve their abilities. The majority of them, nevertheless, had been doing work in several other industries and had decided that, in fact, they wanted to do something different, at times amazingly unique. My “job” was to provide them the fundamental skills, but my own personal secret mission (!) was to infect them with a feeling that teaching English was the total most fun thing they could ever do.
Having been like a midwife to almost 300 people's new, or first, professions, one day I opted to try the career change thing for myself. And you know what, leaving behind an identity blissfully held for 20+ years turned out to be pleasantly simple.
Several years on, I can honestly reveal that taking up a second career has (cliché!) been a voyage. It has enhanced my life enormously and taught me so many things, one among them being that I am a not a natural business man ... However, as coaching people to have great lives is a lot more exciting than teaching English, running a business is a price I am eager to pay :)
And the greatest thing is, part of my profession now is to infect people with a sense that whatever change it is that they're making in their life is the total most fun thing they can perhaps do …
Of course, a person’s work is simply one of many areas of their life that may be worth changing, nevertheless as it is a field which is really rich in thrilling opportunities, it is quite worth choosing a job that means something - to you.
Live the difference Life Coaching is based in Melbourne which offers transformational one-on-one coaching both face-to-face and on the phone. People come from all walks of life and live in and around Melbourne, interstate and overseas. Visit http://livethedifference.com.au for more information on Life Coach
How Is Spirituality Similar To Secular Self Development?One of the challenges I have had since getting engaged with the personal development industry - and it's been difficult going every now and then - is how best to combine the industry's focus of “getting things” with the Buddhist viewpoint that actually, “getting things” isn't going to provide the sort of consistent delight we want.
In the beginning it seems like an impossible task.
Fortunately, it can be done!
To start with, there are some misunderstandings and oversimplifications seen on either sides of the fence.
At least in the West, several people with a spiritual focus are very, good, peaceful and laid-back. The normal stereotyped belief of such people is that they don't push too hard to get things: “Well, I tried wanting stuff and it did not work for me, so now I'm going to decide out of that. Happiness arrives from being pleased with little”. That sort of thing. Occasionally, of course, the actual people buy into the stereotype and truly are like that. But there are options!
If we look at the Buddha, for example, (and I'm positive you can find similar illustrations in other traditions), his life was in reality characterised by intense striving. At the age of 29 he decided “You know what? My life isn't the way I'd like it to be. I'm going to find the tools I require to transform that.” And he went off to a Tony Robbins Seminar. Well in fact, he didn't, but he did the equivalent: he sat down at the feet of a guru (which to people in spiritual circles means “respected teacher”, by the way, not “controlling leader of crazy sex cult” or some such). And after learning all he could from that guru, he went to another. And afterward he tried a route of simplicity, then one of moderation and learning to understanding the mechanics of the mind. So he did not simply veg out and look forward to life to happen to him.
And if you read his words, they were very far away from “Love and peace, man. Drift with the current. The Universe will provide.” They said to actively look to change your life. They were direct. They were sometimes rude.
While I visit a meditation centre it pains me to find people saying “I just should take it at ease and be gentle with myself”. With my coach hat on I feel like telling “This is an exceedingly disempowered viewpoint. You deserve much better than this!” And with my Buddhist hat? The same!
For those who pay a visit to the world of secular self-development, certainly, it is possible to get puzzled by the ra-ra “You can have it all! Right away! Go pursue the lifestyle of your dreams!” Yes, the style is very unique from (several) spiritual organisations. But is the fundamental message all that different?
To me it seems it's not.
Now, just like me, you may feel that the metaphor “different sides of the fence” perfectly speaks about the relationship between spiritual ways such as Buddhism and the self-development industry. But if you look around, you may come across some of the gaps in that fence, where you will be able to go over to the other side for a while, and come back if and when you feel like.
Live the difference Life Coaching is based in Melbourne which offers
transformational one-on-one coaching both face-to-face and on the
phone. People come from all walks of life and live in and around
Melbourne, interstate and overseas. Visit http://livethedifference.com.au for more information on Life Coach .
Family - Getting It RightFamily comes in several flavours: our parents, our kids, siblings, and the broader world of cousins, uncles and aunts, grandparents and grandchildren. As it is our parents, kids and sometimes siblings that generally provide the greatest opportunities for an increase in our Happiness levels, I hope you will forgive me if I focus on these. Some people have very deep feelings regarding their parents, either good or negative, which is seldom astounding, as most of us spent so many years - our formative years - hanging round with them. Not only that, but parents are often more than glad to try to have some bearing on our lives, for better or worse, after we come out of the nest. At times we also continue to try to have some bearing on them, taking on the parent role in the process - a potential minefield! The solution to a happy parent-child relationship is simple: A willingness to fully accept a different person’s world, and to do so with love. Parents and children may share a home, but they don’t always live on the same planet. The question is, are you ready? I ask because you are probably eager to fly to a faraway nation where the people have a unique language, different clothes, diverse food, perhaps a unique religion. You might be eager - enthusiastic even - to courteously join in their customs and traditions. You might be enthusiastic to read up and do your investigation to take advantage from your trip. You do this as, probably, you want - and expect - the best from the experience. But are you willing to make the dangerous journey to the tribe that lives in a different world across the breakfast table? Or does that place seem like a pitiless desert, inhabited only by perilous savages, a place so unfriendly that you are convinced that no guide book might have been written about it? Because that could truly be the trip of a lifetime. Now, while it is traditional to improve our relationships with others by listing the issues that should be solved, I am a bit of a rebel, so I ask coaching clients to start by listing the positive aspects of their relationships. And as we have built up an understanding of that solid foundation beforehand, when the time comes to look into possible challenges we have a whole ton of goodwill to build on - if we choose to. There was a time a couple of years ago when, as it occurred, mothering became my coaching “flavour of the month”. Of course, I’m no mother, but I had a very significant role - making sure those clients gave themselves enough credit for how well they were doing the #1 most significant job in the world. Interestingly, seeing the good parent in themselves made it a lot simpler to realize what amazing children they had, and looking at their wonderful kids helped them confess that, somewhere along the line, they’d been awesome mothers J Live the difference Life Coaching is based in Melbourne which offers
transformational one-on-one coaching both face-to-face and on the
phone. People come from all walks of life and live in and around
Melbourne, interstate and overseas. Visit http://livethedifference.com.au for more information on Life Coach .
Focus- The Key To HappinessWell, wouldn’t it be exciting to purchase a pair of rosy-coloured glasses, and usually see the world all round us as friendly and delightful?
I hope that your response is “Yes!”
So let us look at one of the most important structure blocks of the “How to” of Happiness: Focus.
Yes, despite all of the exciting and less exciting things happening in your Conscious and Unconscious Mind, you can choose to focus on specific bits of details, and not on others. Where you place your focus helps to decide to a great level your moment-to-moment level of Happiness.
This, very simply, is how it’s viable to survive under a tarpaulin beside a rubbish tip in the Third World and smile. Now, it will be ridiculous to say that all the poor people in, say, India are delighted, but mainly they completely fail to show the hardships we (with our map of the world) expect them to.
Interestingly, in their map of the world it is amazing that they’re in a position to be together with their family all day (which maybe for some of us in the West could work about as well as living under a tarpaulin!), and they look at us wandering alone throughout their nation, thousands of miles from our parents and siblings, and apparently a fair few of them feel a intense sorrow that we’re losing on life’s biggest joy. Meanwhile we’re focused on their poverty, filthy surroundings and the information that they will perhaps never be able to come up with the money for a coffee machine, and feel sorry for them.
I give this illustration to those people who say "Well I have many difficulties in my life" and this makes them accept that although people have really hard lives they are able to live blissfully with the help of Focus. Which means that, for them, their life is truly not so difficult at all.
Luckily, you do not have to grow up in the Third World to observe the positive in your situation (although at times it seems to me that it assists!)
But we do need to be aware of some quite harmful cultural conditioning, which usually says to us “You do not have enough. Get more. You don’t have enough. Hurry up before it runs out!”
The fact is, there will always be things we do not have - have a look at all the bits of the universe that even a multi-billionaire like Bill Gates doesn’t have the wealth to purchase, or the time to get round to enjoying. If there’s too much for him to buy/ enjoy/ create, what hope is there for us?
So we can safely focus on what’s in our grasp - the good things we already have in our lives, and the amazing things we’re going to produce for ourselves!
These days the majority of us have come across the concept “glass half full/glass half empty”. This is a perfect example of the power of Focus. If you prefer to see the air above the beer, you’ll see a huge and empty nothingness, extending as far as you want it to.
But if you prefer to see the beer, you will see beer. Or freshly squeezed tropical fruit juice. Or gold. Or love. Or Happiness.
Live the difference Life Coaching is based in Melbourne which offers
transformational one-on-one coaching both face-to-face and on the
phone. People come from all walks of life and live in and around
Melbourne, interstate and overseas. Visit http://livethedifference.com.au for more information on Life Coach . |
